I’ve cherished being a mother since the moment I knew I would become one. Well before my baby boy was born, I loved him so much as he grew inside me. I enjoyed the privilege of being pregnant. I couldn’t touch my belly enough. I just enjoyed having a human being grow inside me and being able to experience the wonderful gift of creating life.
I’ve been blessed to have one child, a boy, 22 years ago. I remember the day he was born as clearly as yesterday. Sometime during the morning hours I packed my bag for the hospital on Monday, December 15th. I was ready and excited to give birth. My then husband called home around at the time I was packing to check in and ask me what I was doing. I told him I was packing. He said – you plan on going some where. I’m going to have this baby soon. The day goes by normal. No alarms set off. Later in the day, I clean a dish in the kitchen. It was a struggle at this point to do anything.
My big belly not quite letting me get close to the sink.
I walked into the living room and sat down in the recliner. I remember the time on the clock being 4:35pm. I heard a thump. I looked down at my belly puzzled. I stood up and suddenly a rush of water came down my legs. I was caught off guard and surprised. I was oddly calm but also nervous. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Mostly because my baby wasn’t due until January 13th and today was December 15th.
My water broke!
I reached for the phone and called my Obstetrician. I was asked some questions and then told to remain calm but go to the hospital and she’ll meet me there. I then called my my mom’s house and my sister answered. She left a hand written note for my mom to see when she would come home and know to go straight to the hospital. My then husband was on his way home from work on the train from NYC. There was no way to reach him. It was the beeper period and he was underground. My sister ran to my house which was not far – about 8 blocks. While she was on her way, I tried to find my brother so he could drive me to the hospital. He was no where to be found. Basically, everyone was MIA – my mom, great aunt, dad, the then husband, my brother. I called my brother’s friends house and he answered. His then mother’s boyfriend gave him his car to take me to the hospital.
Away we go!
My brother’s friend arrives to take me and my sister to the hospital. Before we go, my sister leaves another hand written note for then husband to see when he would arrive home. GO TO THE HOSPITAL! JENNIFER IS HAVING THE BABY!!
Low and behold, my mom and great aunt arrive at the hospital before I do with my sister. In walks me and my sister. Her carrying my overnight bag. My mom is shocked! She can’t believe I’m just waltzing in and after her arrival to the hospital’s 5th floor. I’m taken into the back where I’m seated on a pad until they put me in a bed. It wasn’t a long wait. I’m quickly put in a room, changed into a gown and hooked up to monitors. They see I’m having contractions but I don’t feel them. I have no pain. The baby is ok. I’m ok. I’m asked if I want a spinal or epidural. Epidural please!
The doctor comes in to give me my epidural. I’m told to sit on the edge of the bed with my legs dangling and lean over. Don’t move! I stay very still as a big needle is inserted into my spine. I can’t recall if it hurt. I don’t recall it being bothersome at all. I’m sure it pinched.
They’re ready for me in the operating room. Off I go!
Lot’s of doctors, nurses, the Anesthesiologist, and my OB waiting for me to come in. Their ready for me and I’m ready to have my baby. I’m laid down on the table. I look like Jesus on the crucifix. My arms are laid out straight and held down on both sides of me. My legs straight on the table. I remember shaking from nerves and the cold of the room. Actually, probably more from nerves. The Anesthesiologist does his thing. My OB preps me to be cut. She then starts to cut me. I say I CAN FEEL THAT. She says no you can’t. “Yes, I can.” She begins to cut me again. I scream out –
I CAN FEEL THAT! I CAN FEEL YOU CUTTING ME!
She looks at the Anesthesiologist and he gives me some extra meds or something. I’m not quite sure. I was awake but sedated and couldn’t feel anything after that. I remember I kept saying “I’m nauseous. I’m nauseous. Every so many minutes I would say I’m nauseous. The Anesthesiologist would keep hitting me with some anti-nausea meds through my intravenous.
Eventually, my OB announced “You have a baby boy!”
We were asked what are we naming the baby – NICHOLAS. I was too “zonked” to have a natural and real emotion. I remember smiling and feeling a numbed sensation of joy. It was a foggy sensation like you are watching everything from out of your body take place and aware of the emotions but can’t feel them physically, only mentally. was fried from the meds! I remember the baby being brought over to me and the nurse telling me to kiss him. Muah.
Then lights out! I was out cold.
I dazed in and out later in recovery and until they took me to my room. It was a long night. I was actually uneasy staying by myself at the hospital. I had never stayed anywhere by myself before. They brought my baby boy to me a couple of times and I had to tell them to take him back. I can’t do it right now. I’m not well. They kept insisting and bringing him. Finally, with him in my arms, I start vomiting on the bed. I’m vomiting on the side of my bed holding the baby and somehow not dropping him. I then make my way around the vomit, shimmying off the bed, holding my baby. The strength of a mother. The strength of a young woman and new mother at 21. I put my baby in the bassinet and made my way toward the door.
Note! I just had a c-section.
I get to the door where I lean on it and yell to the nurse’s station to come in because I just vomited all over the bed with the baby in my arms. A nurse came in and took the baby back to his room and sent someone to change the bed linen.
Hello! I wanted my baby. I just couldn’t cope following surgery and drugs. Once I vomited I felt good. The horrid feeling passed and I wanted my baby boy. My precious baby boy. I then was able to hold him, smell him, caress him, feel him. He was beautiful. He was mine.
I was a mother.
I’ve never once, all these years, taken for granted being his mother. I feel blessed to be his mother. I’m honored to be his mother.
My belief is – if you choose to bring a life into this world, you best be sure to take good care and stand beside that life; nurturing, loving and supporting the life of the child you chose to make, keep and have.
On this Mother’s Day, I celebrate the joy of motherhood I was blessed to take part for 22 years. Every day for the past 22 years, I celebrate being a mother and living up to the oath I made the day I decided to become one. Everyday is a celebration for me and the special bond and relationship I share with my son.
Its What I Said 